The consquences of Vodka icecream
by SunflowerWielder
Summary: A drunk Lightning is never a good thing. Particually when Fang's the one who's got to drag her back to camp... and get a couple of shocks and a lesson about flans in the process... One-shot. Yuri, bad language. Weird pairing, but I hope you like it!


**Hola mo charas!**

**Well, something a bit different from me today... My first yuri story! Actually, my first non-hetro story! :D**

**Also, new pairing! Dun dun dun dundun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.... FangXLightning!**

**...... Yeah, weird. But I like it! May I just say, writing Yuri is HARD!**

**Big thank you to Dawn, who managed to keep me sane and help me write this story... -Bows down to her awesomeness-**

**Less than a month to the Japanese release, and not that long till the western release! You excited? Well? Are ya?! Are ya!?**

**I sure am!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy XIII. If I did, the western release would be even closer! :D**

**Warnings: Well, as usual, bad language (I have such a potty mouth) and girlxgirl stuff... I don't think there's anything else...**

* * *

Fang had never understood the concept of alcohol.

She had never managed to comprehend why people thought losing all control of their senses, falling over, giggling madly, burping and waking up the next morning with a massive headache was fun.

So naturally she didn't drink.

So, following logic, she had to go and collect drunken members of the group wherever they may be. She had seen them in different states of inebriation.

She had nearly been deafened by Vanille's yells and out of key singing. She'd seen Sazh cradling beer bottles. She'd dragged Snow backwards through the streets of Cocoon while he snored.

But she'd never, ever thought that _Lightning_ of all people would get drunk.

Sadly, life was full of shitty surprises.

The ex-sergeant was sprawled across the bar, spinning a beer bottle around. Fang took a deep breath and walked over to her.

"I expected better from _you_." She snapped, giving Lightning a relatively hard whack on the shoulder. Lightning dropped the bottle on the floor.

"Ah crap." She grumbled, ducking under the bar. "Why'd you do that?!" She yelled above the music which was giving Fang a headache.

"Get out of there. We're going."

"Whhhhhhhhhy?" Lightning slurred, appearing out of the bar with ruffled hair and the beer bottle. There was a peanut stuck in her hair.

"Because it's late, and we've got a lot of ground to cover. So it'll hardly help if our leader is hung-over." She snapped.

"Fannnnnnnnnnngy..." Lightning paused before grinning. "Fangy-"

"No."

"Fangy-"

"No."

"Fan-"

"Don't even try it Lightbulb."

Lightning's eyes narrowed dangerously. Fang raised an eyebrow.

"Move. Now."

"Fine!" She stood up and promptly smashed her head against the bar. "OW! Shit! Who's fucking smartarse idea was it to put a shitty bar there?! I nearly bashed my fucking head in! Cocksucking, flat chested, horsefucking morons!"

The wild haired woman rolled her eyes. Lightning was very descriptive with her cursing, and what she would do if she ever caught the person who decided to put the bar where it was.

"Lightning!" The woman stopped her cursing, blinked and looked up. "Finally. Come on, we're going."

"Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..." The l'cie pouted, making Fang plunge her head deep into her palm. With a growl, she grabbed Lightning's earlobe with her fingernails. "Ah – HEY!"

"Leaving." And with that, Fang dragged Lightning out of the bar and into the street.

"Hey! I don't want pierced ears!" Lightning yelled, wriggling out of her grip. "Your nails are too sharp. You don't need a fucking spear, just scratch a flan with those things and it'll curl up and _die_! Slowly, painfully, probably through blood loss-"

"They have blood?" Fang asked, crossing her arms. She flinched as she realised her error.

_Never, ever engage a drunk person in conversation. You will regret it._

"I dunno..." Lightning frowned in concentration. "Ur..." She pulled out Blaze Edge while staggering down the street. "I'll check."

"Lightning Farron, you are not going to check if flans have blood."

"Yes I am-"

"Get back here Lightning!"

"I-"

"NOW!"

"Coming." The ex-soldier staggered back, shuffling her feet. Fang gave a little sigh.

It was easy to dismiss Lightning as a kind of robot, with only three modes – Angry, Not Angry, and Serah's In Danger Mode. She was definitely embarrassed right now though.

"Where to O dragony one?" She asked, blinking at Fang.

And any sympathy for her dried up like a puddle on a very, very hot summers day.

"Back to camp." She snapped, grabbing Lightning's wrist. "If you fall over, you pick yourself up. Get it?"

"You're in a sunshine mood."

"You _filthy_ hypocrite."

* * *

"I'm hungry."

"I don't care." Fang kept her arms crossed; keeping her eyes focused on a point that wasn't Lightning.

"I'm thirsty."

"How much did you have to drink?"

"Ummmmmm..." There was a silence from behind her. "Seven tequila shots, two pints of beer, three glasses of vodka, and a cappuccino."

"Cappuccino?"

"With whiskey in."

"Oh."

"Annnnnnnnnnnd an ice-cream."

"....... You don't drink ice-cream."

"I sprinkled vodka on it."

"... I think you're an idiot for getting drunk-"

"Thanks."

"- But at least you're creative about it-"

"Thanks!" Fang caught a glimpse of Lightning's face in a nearby window, seemingly genuinely pleased with the compliment.

"-But do you have to be so disgusting at the same time?"

"Oh..." The soldier's face fell. "Um... sorry..."

_Feel the guilt Fang. Feel the guilt._

_Why the hell should you feel guilty?! Lightning needs to grow some balls, or not get so damn drunk!_

"I'm cold."

Fang sighed. She was behaving like a little kid, it was ridiculous!

"Where's your coat?"

"I had a coat?"

"Never mind."

* * *

The camp was quiet, with everyone else having gone to sleep.

Lightning was sitting on the ground, spinning her beer bottle on the ground while nibbling a piece of bread.

In Fang's opinion, she looked like a hamster. Her cheeks were even full of bread.

"There, you've been fed and watered. Happy now?"

"Mmph. Cold." Lightning spoke through a mouthful of bread, attempting to swallow the bread. Fang sighed.

"I can't control the weather Lightning." She sat down next to the woman, who was pulling faces as she attempted to swallow. "You okay there?"

"Cold."

"Will you shut up about the bloody cold?!"

"I wanna pee."

"You want to what now?"

"Pee."

Fang stared dumbfounded at Lightning, who seemed fairly at ease with announcing this very loudly.

"... Then... go pee."

"I've forgotten what tree is the pee tree."

"Lightning, it's not a pee tree-"

"It's the tree we all pee behind!"

"Well, yes-"

"_So_ it's a pee tree."

"God, you're so annoying when you're drunk!" Fang snapped. Lightning blinked.

"You're so bitchy when I'm drunk."

"I'm not being bitchy!" She protested, as Lightning started picking bits of bread from between her teeth. "It's called being sober – I thought you had to pee."

"I do."

"Then stop doing whatever you're doing to your teeth."

"I'm doing stuff to the bread in my teeth – HEY!" The ex-sergeant yelped as Fang grabbed her arm and dragged her along the ground.

"We're going to the pee tree!"

"You said it wasn't a pee tre-"

"LIGHTNING FARRON, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!" Fang screamed. At which point, there was shuffling from one of the tents. Both women stopped and stared at Snow and Sazh's tent. After a moment or so, the movement stopped. Both women sighed in relief. Sazh was very grumpy when he got woken up.

"Pee tree." Fang whispered. Lightning nodded in agreement, and the duo slipped away.

* * *

"Lightning, you're done peeing, so will you go to bed?" Fang sighed and looked at the soldier, who was sitting across from her.

"Whhhhhhhhhhhhy?" Lightning spun her beer bottle around, a look of extreme focus on her face.

"What the hell am I? Your mother?" She grumbled. Lightning giggled.

"I certainly hope not!"

"Good. Now-"

"You're pretty."

Fang fell silent and blinked a few times. Had she just heard the word 'Pretty' come out of Lightning's mouth? It sure sounded like it, but it couldn't be... "Pardon?"

Lightning grinned and leant forwards so they were nose to nose.

"I _said_, you're pretty." She repeated. Fang boggled at the woman. "Well, maybe not pretty, just really.... you know.... and...." Lightning blushed. "Um..."

".............. Wait, what!?" Fang stared.

"Um....." Her face was now clashing with her hair, Fang noticed. "You're all.... um...."

This was wrong. Lightning wasn't supposed to stammer, or stutter, or blush and stumble over her words. Lightning wasn't supposed to be saying what she was saying.

"I kinda... well.... _like_ you...... well, maybe not just like....."

"Lightning..." Fang paused, unsure what to say next. The silence was unbearably awkward.

A massive snore erupted from Snow's tent, causing both of them to jump.

"Holy _shite_." She whispered. The other burst into barely smothered giggles. "Calm down." Fang blinked as she realised the gap between them had lessened considerably.

To be blunt, Lightning was leaning against her forehead.

"Oky...." Fang's head went into overdrive.

_Lightning's a friend. JUST a friend. And she's drunk, so this would technically be taking advantage of her... not that you're doing anything anyway. So just back away, let her down gent –_

If the temperature of Lightning's lips were anything to go by, she was freezing.

Fang blinked, stunned by the events of the last minute or so. Hurriedly she pulled away. The other woman's face fell, looking crestfallen and thoughtful.

"I'm sorr-" She began.

"I _did_ have a coat!"

"... Pardon?" The dark haired woman stared.

"... I left it at the bar!" Lightning wailed, before passing out on Fang's shoulder.

There was a period of dead air.

"........ Right..." She muttered. "The coat..."

A little drip of dribble rolled onto her bare shoulder.

"Perfect." With a sigh, Fang stood up and dragged the unconscious woman into the tent they shared with Vanille. Being careful not to wake either of them up, she dropped Lightning onto a pile of cloth.

_Okay, let's replay what happened. Lightning was drunk. She said she... liked... me. Then she passed out. And now she's shivering._

"It's your own damn fault for forgetting your coat." She hissed under her breath. The soldier continued to shiver.

_Again with the guilt._

_So? What am I meant to do? Go get her coat?_

_Yes._

_What?_

_Get the coaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat..._

_No way. I'm not getting her coat._

_You want to get her coat._

_And why would I want to do that?_

_You do know you're just arguing against yourself._

_Of course I know that! I'm not getting her coat._

_Then why have you already left the camp?_

_... Because I'm a moron._

_Yes, because you are a moron._

"Damn it." Fang cursed under her breath and kicked at a nearby rock. "Damn it, I'm not _gay_! I'm just going to get her coat because she's my friend... who fancies me."

She paused in thought.

"That's not complicated at all."

With a grumble, she stormed through the streets, hugging herself and trying to work out The Next Step.

Whatever that was.

* * *

By the time Fang had reached the correct pub, the streets were full of drunkards, druggies, and people who were dropping their trousers randomly.

She bloody hated it.

With a sigh, she spun around and came face-to-chest with a bouncer.

"And what," He snarled. "Are you doing here?"

"My friend left her coat." Fang smiled, and attempted to side-step him. He shoved her backwards. "Hey!"

"'S closing time." He snapped. "Get outta here."

"You will let me get past to get my friends coat right now!" She yelled. He snorted and crossed his arms.

_Just forget it. It's just a coat._

_Get the coat._

_Damn, not this again. Piss off. The coat's not important._

_Then why do you think it is?_

_I don't!_

_You do!_

_Shut up... whatever the hell you are!_

_I'm you!_

_I know that! I mean... the coat isn't important! She can do without the bloody coat!_

_JUST GET THE COAT!!!!!_

_FINE!!! Man, I __**am**__ a bitch sometimes...._

"I _said,_" She growled, leaning forwards. "To let. Me. Past."

"And _I said_ no." He replied.

Oerba Yun Fang was not a patient woman by nature. Especially when confronted by bouncers who didn't seem to listen to her reasoning.

_You'd think a bouncer would wear a groin guard._

She quickly slipped around the doubled up man, ignored the strange look she was getting from the barkeeper, and looked around for a stupid piece of white material she didn't even care about.

She checked under the bar, in the women's toilet, on top of the bar, behind the bar, in the men's toilet (The barkeeper's eyeballs were nearly falling out of his head by this point) before finally checking the dart board and pool table.

There, stuck in one of the pockets of the table, covered in ash and smelling strongly of cheap wine, was the bloody coat.

With a triumphant grin, Fang fished it out and shook it to get rid of some of the ash.

_Mission accomplished._

"OI, YOU LITTLE SLAG!!!"

She winced.

_.... I forgot about him...._

_You forgot you kneed him in the balls?_

_SHUT UP AND RUN!!!_

She ran into the women's toilet, scrambled out of the window, into the back alley, and ran past people in various stages of inebriation.

Fang couldn't stop feeling successful. She'd done it. She'd gotten the coat, so now that little voice in her head could shut up. And it'd be nice to see Lightning stop shivering so much...

She'd almost forgotten about what the l'cie had said.

It was ridiculous. No. She wasn't gay. She just... respected Lightning. And yes, she was attractive, but that was just in the way that women looked at models and wished they looked more like them.

Yes, she had an interesting personality, and _yes_, she intrigued her, but she didn't....

Did she?

_If you felt NO emotions for her... whatsoever... why were you so obsessed with getting the coat back for her?_

_... BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO YOU RIDICULOUS VOICE IN MY HEAD!!!!_

* * *

Fang marched into the tent in a considerable worse mood than when she left. She also had a scratch on her leg, caused by climbing out of the window. This however, was not the reason for her bad mood.

With a sigh, she stepped over the sleeping Vanille, and over to the slumbering Lightning. Who was still shivering.

"Wimp..." She muttered, draping the coat over her. "I got the blimmin' coat for you."

Lightning stopped shivering, paused, and then snuggled into the coat.

Fang couldn't stop the smile appearing on her face.

_Cute...._

_.... Wait, did you just say cute?_

_Oy vey. I'm not going to get much sleep tonight..._

* * *

It was clear that she was hung-over. The barely opened eyes, the rubbing of her forehead, the slight grumble as the sun-beam attacked her corneas.

Fang watched as Lightning dragged herself awake, with a few mumbled curses thrown in for good measure.

"Urgh..." The ex-soldier grimaced and sat up, resting on her elbows. "... Never having that much alcohol again..."

"A wise decision." Fang smiled grimly. "Welcome back to the land of the sober. Please enjoy your stay."

"Whatever." She rubbed her eyes. "Damn... What the hell did I drink?"

"Apparently, seven tequila shots, two pints of beer, three glasses of vodka, a cappuccino with whiskey in, and an ice-cream you sprinkled vodka on."

"I remember that last one..." Lightning winced and turned a vague shade of green. "Never drink that... it's disgusting. Really disgusting. And putting chocolate sauce on it just makes it nastier when it comes back the other way..." She paused as she starting rifling through the haze that covered last night.

"Everyone else is awake." She said, watching the other's face become less drowsy and more focused. "Snow's attempting to cook something... I don't know what it is, but it's green and still smells raw."

"Thanks for that." Lightning pulled a face. "I was desperate to know that – Oh crap." Her eyes widened. "Oh. Crap. Shit. Bollocks." Her face turned a vivid crimson, as she pushed herself off her elbows. "I'm sorry, I was so drunk! I wouldn't try to kiss you normally-"

"You actually did kiss me."

"I did?" A pause. "Oh **shit**, I did!"

Fang snickered at the look on her face.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't put you in a position like that, I just...." She bit her lip. "I... um..."

"_Like_ me?" The dark haired woman leant forwards with a smirk. "Maybe not just like?"

"Stop it." Lightning snapped. "It's not funny."

"I never said it was." They were nose to nose again.

"... I didn't have my coat last night..." She coughed, looking down at the coat now pooled around her waist.

"I went and got it for you."

"... My knight with a messy coat, huh?"

"Something like that." Fang grinned and placed one finger on Lightning's lips. "I nearly got slaughtered by a bouncer for that stupid thing, so you better be grateful."

"Whatever my knight." She shot back. The woman smirked.

"I don't think you're as grateful as you should be..." She wrapped both arms around Lightning's waist and lowered her voice. "I had to go very far out of my way for that piece of cloth."

"It's a coat."

"Whatever." Fang rolled her eyes. "The point still stands..." With a grin, she kissed Lightning's pink cheek. "I think you owe me one."

And with that, she untangled herself and left the tent.

The ex-soldier sat in the middle of the tent, dumbfounded and very warm.

_............ Holy mother of the fal'Cie....... That was... unexpected._

Lightning clenched her coat tightly. How _dare_ she play with her? How dare she just run off as if nothing had happened? Stupid cow!

With a growl, she stood up and stormed out of the tent, in pursuit of the other woman.

True to what Fang had said, Snow was indeed trying to cook something that was green, and did look and smell oddly raw. She felt a wave of nausea crash into her stomach.

"Hey sleeping beauty!" Vanille laughed. "Breakfast?"

"No way." She shook her head and instantly regretted it as the world spun around. "Ow. Where's Fang?"

"Uh oh, someone's in trouble!" Snow sang from the lump of... stuff, his voice instantly grating Lightning's nerves.

"Just tell me where she is."

"She went into the forest." Hope said, pointing into the forest as if she didn't know where it was. With a quick nod, she ran into the woods.

"Fang?!" She yelled; grabbed her head and cursed. This was not the best thing to be doing while suffering from a large hang-over. "Fang!?"

Her head protested. She ignored it.

"Present." Fang poked her head out from behind a tree. "May I be of assistance?"

At which point, Lightning strode over and punched her hard on her bare arm.

"Hey! What was that for?!" She protested, rubbing the reddish area.

"You... you think this is a game!" She clenched her fists. "You think it's funny-"

"I never said it was-"

"You just toy with people!"

"It's called playing hard to get." Fang chuckled. "You do get stressed out quite easily, don't you?"

"Shut up."

"I think it's sweet." She smiled.

Lightning blinked before slamming Fang's back against the tree.

"Ow." She growled. "What the hell are you going to do anyway? Give me another bruise?"

This time, Lightning was the one who smirked. She pushed her lips firmly against Fang's.

"Yes... But a rather different sort..."

* * *

When the duo returned to camp, the group noticed with an air of exasperation the large purple-green bruise on Fang's arm.

After Snow's attempt to cook the strange meal were abandoned, the group split up, went hunting, and nearly got killed by a flan - Lightning was interested to learn that they didn't have blood.

Because of all of this, no-one noticed the other mysterious, reddish bruises on Fang's neck...

* * *

**So, my first Yuri story! Constructive critisism gratefully recieved, flames will only make me stronger!**

**Yeah, it's an odd pairing, but it kind of works... they're said to be similar personality anyway... only time shall tell.**

**By the way, this will probably be my last update for a while. I've got mock exams next week, so I won't be doing any writing for... two weeks? Two weeks and a bit? I'll be back on Fanfiction full time on the 11th December, 'cause that's when I've got my last exam.**

**I'll definitly do a Christmas special though!**

**So, this is your insane author, who is really really hungry right now, so ciao for now!**

**Peace out mon amies! And good luck if you've got exams too!**

**Luffles ya!**


End file.
